18. exhaustion is an invitation

a micro-manifesto for the endlessly exhausted

A micro manifesto I wrote for myself back in April, when I was caught in a pattern of perfectionism-driven procrastination and exhaustion.

It’s not your life that’s exhausting you, bro. It’s your avoidance.

For years, you’ve believed that when you feel tired, drained, restless, anxious, irritable, you have to step back, recharge, do a bit of recreational numbing in the name of “self care.”

Funny how all that “rest” only ever leaves you feeling more anxious and empty than before, huh? Weird how it reliably leads to even more avoidance. This vicious cycle has kept you from making sustained progress on what matters for damn near a decade.

Let’s be real. Very little of the exhaustion you feel is physical tiredness. It’s perfectionism playing a dirty little trick. It’s fear in disguise. And it cackles with delight when you buy into its cover story.

Whenever you start taking bold steps towards the life, work, and relationships you want, part of you gets spooked. Your body goes into overdrive, chest clenching, energy zapped. It’s like there’s a lil boy in there who feels scared and broken and unworthy when you start making moves, so he pulls the fire alarm.

A year from now, you’ll look back on this chapter and know the truth. Doing your work, steadily and imperfectly, grows your energy. The more you do, the more you’ll be able to do, and the lighter you’ll feel. Your sense of self-respect will grow. You will come to cherish the gifts of physical tiredness and true rest, just as you’ll grow ever warier of fear’s many faces.

But to get there, you cannot blast through the exhaustion with brute force. You cannot berate and belittle that boy within into submission. That’s a fear response, too. Besides, we’ve tried that, over and over, for a decade. Down that path lays depressive burnout of the worst kind. In a war with yourself, you will always lose.

Nah, the real trick is neither to flee nor attack. Hold steady at your center. Breathe into the places that demand your attention. And if you encounter the lil fella, ask what’s got him so spooked. Listen to him. Really listen. I bet he’d be willing to move forward together, knowing you’re no longer an authoritarian bully who doles out punishment and shame, but a friend.

You’re doing a lot to grow into your life right now. You’re doing so many of the right things, all at once. It’s little wonder you’re feeling overwhelmed, frazzled, with every fiber of your body screaming to run and hide. But now you know better. This isn’t exhaustion. It’s an invitation.

Keep going. It’s time to lean in. You don’t have to figure out the full picture today. Take a few deep breaths, then take the next small step. Write the next imperfect sentence. Cathedrals are built just like anything else. One brick at a time.